You’ve chosen to write your manuscript in first person. That means every time they’re talking about themselves or commenting on what they’re doing, you need to use the pronoun I.
It’s a perfectly acceptable way to write a novel, and seems to be increasing in popularity, but—and here’s the issue—it can easily feel stilted and boring and repetitive.
The blog that follows is a piece I’ve created with the intent to show some techniques I often use in line editing to make writing shine. As an author, why not try it during self-editing and look for the improvements?
A fight scene in first person past tense
(overusing the pronoun "I")
I pulled my sword from the scabbard at my waist. I swung it in front of me, the blade whistling through the air. I tightened my guard. I raced toward my target on silent feet. I needed to make sure he didn’t hear me because his level of skill was far above my own.
I saw his shoulders hunch slightly and then relax. I cursed. I was going to have to match him stroke for stroke. I had made too much noise.
I rushed him, still cursing under my breath. I tried not to trip on leaves underfoot. I saw him reach for his blade. I felt the clash of our blades reverberate up my arm. I knew he’d scored a hit.
This could be a high action, high impact scene, but it’s not. It’s very repetitive, and you can’t ‘see’ the actions happening. ‘I did’ a lot of things and not much else happened.
So how do we make it interesting and varied without turning every sentence around and ending up with a whole bunch of gerunds and introductory phrases? (ing words). See my blog on the problems with ‘ing’ (coming soon).
Reduce the 'telling'.
Often telling creates the ‘I’ starts we’re trying to remove, so this is an easy fix (For more information on telling, see my blog HERE). We’re going to skip the first paragraph for now, as it doesn’t have any straight up “telling”, and remove it from the second and third paragraph first:
I saw His shoulders hunched slightly and then relaxed. I cursed. I was going to have to match him stroke for stroke. I had made too much noise.
I rushed him, still cursing under my breath. I tried not to crunch the leaves underfoot. I saw He reached for his weapon. I felt The clash of our blades reverberated up my arm. I knew He’d scored a hit.
So now there’s less telling, and the flow of the paragraphs has started to improve. We’re not done yet though!
Add coordinating conjunctions
Sometimes, joining two sentences together in this way (and, so, but etc.) can help the flow of the paragraph, but you need to be conscious that it can also change the speed of the text, so don’t change them all without reading to yourself and deciding if it works for your meaning. You also don’t want to end up with a new issue of having a lot of sentences that follow the same pattern, so again, use sparingly where you think it suits the way your story flows. See how in the example below I’ve only used the technique in two places (red ‘and‘).
I pulled my sword from the scabbard at my waist. I, and swung it in front of me, the blade whistling through the still air. I tightened my guard. I raced toward my target on silent feet. I needed to make sure he didn’t hear me because his level of skill was far above my own.
His shoulders hunched slightly, and then relaxed. I cursed. I was going to have to match him stroke for stroke. I had made too much noise.
I rushed him, still cursing under my breath. I and tried not to crunch the leaves underfoot. He reached for his weapon. The clash of our blades reverberated up my arm. He’d scored a hit.
Switch some sentences around
This is where you can create too many ‘ing’ openings. But with fewer ‘I’ sentences there’s less chance you’ll create more problems than you solve! Remember to check the sentence is still complete when you’re done. It’s easy to end up with fragments by accident with ‘ing’ words (fragments with ing will be discussed HERE).
I pulled my sword from the scabbard at my waist and swung it in front of me, the blade whistling through the still air. I tightened my guard. I Tightening my guard, I raced toward my target on silent feet. I needed to make sure he didn’t hear me, because his level of skill was far above my own.
His shoulders hunched slightly and then relaxed. I cursed. I was going to have to match him stroke for stroke. I had made too much noise.
I rushed him, still cursing under my breath, and tried not to crunch the leaves underfoot. He reached for his weapon. The clash of our blades reverberated up my arm. He’d scored a hit.
Notice I could have altered the sentence I pulled (to pulling my), and the sentence I rushed (to rushing him), but I didn’t because I would have ended up with too many.
Look for thoughts and places to use indirect speech
Indirect speech will be discussed in a separate blog, but in short, it can be part of the text as Roman, or italicised as internal thoughts.
To work these out, read a sentence and ask, could your character ‘think’ this?
I pulled my sword from the scabbard at my waist, and swung it in front of me, the blade whistling through the still air. Tightening my guard, I raced toward my target on silent feet. I needed to make sure he didn’t If he heard me it was over. His hear me because his level of skill was far above my own.
His shoulders hunched slightly, and then he relaxed. S**T I cursed. I was going to have to match him stroke for stroke. I had made too much noise Too damn noisy.
I rushed him, still cursing under my breath, and tried not to crunch the leaves underfoot. He reached for his weapon. The clash of our blades reverberated up my arm. He’d scored a hit.
We’re almost out of ‘I’s. The intention isn’t to remove them all of course, but to vary the structure to improve the flow. Using these techniques has the added advantage of improving the writing, too.
New
I pulled my sword from the scabbard at my waist, and swung it in front of me, the blade whistling through the still air. Tightening my guard, I raced toward my target on silent feet. If he heard me it was over. His level of skill was far above my own.
His shoulders hunched slightly, then relaxed. S**T. I was going to have to match him stroke for stroke. Too damn noisy.
I rushed him, still cursing under my breath, and tried not to crunch the leaves underfoot. He reached for his weapon. The clash of our blades reverberated up my arm. He’d scored a hit.
Original
I pulled my sword from the scabbard at my waist. I swung it in front of me, the blade whistling through the still air. I tightened my guard. I raced toward my target on silent feet. I needed to make sure he didn’t hear me because his level of skill was far above my own.
I saw his shoulders hunch slightly, and then he relaxed. I cursed. I was going to have to match him stroke for stroke. I had made too much noise.
I rushed him, still cursing under my breath. I tried not to trip on leaves underfoot. I saw him reach for his blade. I felt the clash of our blades reverberate up my arm. I knew he’d scored a hit.
In summary
This is a basic example meant to aid understanding, and there’s still plenty that someone may choose to change, but it’s already become much more engaging to read.
‘I’ isn’t always bad, and like every other writing device, it’s important. Used in moderation, it can help your readers feel close to the characters. Considering things like this before editing, however, will speed up your edit and probably save you money on your editing bill in the long run.